


The Incident at the Vatican

by squidgie



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Alternate Universe, Chastity, Crack, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-11
Updated: 2011-08-11
Packaged: 2017-10-22 12:59:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 817
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/238268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/squidgie/pseuds/squidgie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ummm... So, esteefee has been writing this <i>awesome</i> crack called the Pope John series.  You can find them <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/229648">here</a> and <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/231187">here</a> (and the new one on LJ <a href="http://esteefee.livejournal.com/68970.html">here</a>).  I wrote a couple of crack!comments, and now - with her blessing - here's more of me playing in her universe.  esteefee, you are freaking incredible!  ::MWAH::</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Incident at the Vatican

**Author's Note:**

  * For [esteefee](https://archiveofourown.org/users/esteefee/gifts).
  * Inspired by [WHY POPE IOANNES SHEPPARDUS WILL NEVER MAKE SAINT](https://archiveofourown.org/works/229648) by [esteefee](https://archiveofourown.org/users/esteefee/pseuds/esteefee). 



> NOT betaed. And yes, I'm a little crazy. :)
> 
> Comment!fic number one (PapalPoolboy!John) is here: [ http://archiveofourown.org/comments/323133](http://archiveofourown.org/comments/323133)
> 
> Comment!fic number two (MorePapalPoolboy!John) is here: [ http://archiveofourown.org/comments/323623](http://archiveofourown.org/comments/323623)
> 
> And I forgot about Comment!fic number three (Flying!Teyla, Pervert!Ronon) is here: <http://esteefee.livejournal.com/68970.html?thread=1691242#t1691242>

The foursome deplane Papal Air flight 1 that brought them straight to Rome, where they traverse via limousine to Vatican City.  "Seriously," Rodney says, stretching his back, "who knew airline seats were that bad, even in first class?"  He hunts around his pockets for a snack.  "And the food.  Terrible."  Finding nothing, he starts rooting around Sheppard's pockets, causing John to sit at attention and Teyla to avert her eyes.  Ronon just looks out the window, taking in the ancient architecture like it's an everyday thing.  "What have we-"

"That's my _penis_ , Rodney," John deadpans.  "We'll be at the Vatican soon; you can wait."

The limo pulls up in front of the Sistine Chapel and the driver lets the group out.  "Your Holiness," one of the greeters says, bowing and kissing the papal ring.  "Please," he says, gesturing, "this way."

Two hours later, and still no word as to why John and his team were summoned to the Vatican, they sit around.  Waiting.  Teyla is passing the time practicing her flying in confined spaces (so she says, but she's really just trying to get a birds-eye-view of the ceiling of the chapel), while John does calisthenics, Ronon continually passing his rosary beads through his fingers, and Rodney complaining, since he's still not been fed.

"I mean, Jesus Chri-."  Rodney is stopped short by John's glare.  He rolls his eyes, then continues, "I mean they could at least bring us _something_."

"I could eat," Ronon says to no one in particular.  He passes his beads to Rodney and pulls a knife from his hair.  "I'll be right back."

John's pulled from the group a few minutes later and disappears into a private meeting, while Ronon shows up twenty minutes later, neck hunched forward as he's carrying the carcass of some beast on his shoulders.  "What in the hell?" Rodney asks.

"I didn't have any money," he says, then drops the nearly gargantuan (Hindquarter? Flank?  Loin?) meaty bits of some unfortunate creature on the floor.  "Then I remembered there was a stove," he says, pointing to an ancient solitary cooker sitting in the corner of the chapel. 

"Oh, nice," Rodney says.  "It _is_ getting cold in here, damned old drafty buildings."  He makes Ronon pick up the uncooked meat and they approach the stove.  "By the way... Where did you get a, what...cow?"

"If that's what you want to believe it is, sure."

Rodney squints his eyes.  "Yeah, let's just call it that," he says, stomach a little queasy either from not eating or from wondering what the mystery meat in front of him was.

Ronon just smiles, pulling another knife from his hair.  "Did you know the Vatican has a _private_ _zoo_?", which causes Rodney to simultaneously go various shades of pale and green. 

They turn their attention to the stove, not finding any fuel in the area surrounding it.  "I see a bunch of papers," Teyla calls from above, and floats over to pick them up.  She walks back, handing the wadded papers over to Ronon, who stuffs them in the cooker.

"Wait, wait, wait," Rodney says.  To Ronon and Teyla's puzzled looks, he says, "I just want to make sure we're not... You know.  Burning the Dead Sea Scrolls or a Gutenberg Bible or something."  When Teyla pulls a slip of paper from the bundle and shows it to Rodney, he sees that it's just scrap.  "Well.  Okay, then," he says, then helps stuff the ancient contraption.

Ronon pulls a lighter from his hair and ignites the paper, thick white smoke almost immediately starting to billow through the stove, most of it going up the chimney, but a fair amount spilling out into the room.

Moments later, the sounds of hundreds of people filling St. Peters Square fills the room, with the sound of bells starting soon after. 

John bursts into the room just as the sound of the crowd outside starts chanting, 'Viva Il Papa!'.  "What are you _doing_?" he asks as he nears the stove, blowing at the flames as if he could put them out that easily.

"We were about to roast some sort of cow...deer...sheep?"

"Giraffe," Ronon responds, which makes Rodney turn pale and green again, John to stare at him as if he's crazy, and Teyla start a sly smile.

"What's going on?" Rodney asks.  "And _why_ are they chanting?"  He goes to look out a window, but John grabs him by the front of his robe and pulls Rodney with him, getting Ronon and Teyla to follow with a bob of his head. 

John just gestures towards the stove, churning out thick billows of white smoke.  "I _think_ they believe that you just elected a new pope," which causes the trio to stop in their tracks and John to halt his progress.  "Oh come on," he says.  "We've done worse.  Now let's get the hell outta here!"


End file.
